Let's get personal

Hello, reader.

With my promise from before, I'm going to try to be more active in this blog. For this post, I'm going to get a little personal, one might even say vulnerable. Which I am planning another post about vulnerability at work. But for this post let's get this started.

I, Marie, have chronic illnesses. I am diabetic, I have major depression and anxiety/panic disorder and I have autoimmune arthritis. With the autoimmune disease, I have many side effects which might be causing the mental illness but all I know is, I'm in pain every day and sad about it. My depression is nowhere as bad as when I was in college but I still deal with it every day. I take so much medication to control everything, I constantly have a stomach ache.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I have so much to be thankful for and so much going for me. I wanted to set up a background for you, reader. Last thing that is important is I'm exhausted a lot of the time. Partially from the medication and partially from trying to hide everything all the time. I'm not very good at hiding. It seems like every week, my manager is telling me that I need to relax more and stop panicking all the time. So much for trying to seem normal, huh?

At this point in this post, I may have lost some of you but my hope is that some of you reading this can relate. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, 322 million live with depression and 6.8 million have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Those statistics are from 2016. I have to wonder if the number is the same or higher now. I won't get political but our country is a little unstable, there are a lot of changes happening and being unsure of your future can make anyone feel hopeless.

So, what happens when you are in constant pain and are always dragging ass? You go to work and do your best. I couldn't be happier with my workplace. They hold a high standard for work/life balance and flexibility. There is a meditation room for when I'm feeling overwhelmed and need to center myself. Or, cry quietly. Sometimes you need to cry. I think they know because there is always a full tissue box in the room.

I haven't always been in a workplace that was conducive to being mentally healthy. I didn't last long there. I could go one about how horrible previous jobs have been but why dwell in the past? Even though I've been through the wringer at some places, I was able to learn more about myself and how I function and succeed.

This post is probably getting a little long and I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this rambling. If you're still here, I thank you. Everyone is different and I don't want to prescribe what others should do. For me, I have strong hindsight when it comes to bad jobs but I was never really good at realizing the toxicity while still there. All jobs come with some stress, a little frustration, for me some anxiety. But there is always a breaking point. How long you stay after the breaking point is what's key. I found my breaking point was when the dread to get to work became constant. I would have nothing to look forward to at work. I found reasons to not go more or to leave early. When I finally left, after the residual negative feelings have passed, I am able to see what I was able to learn. An example, I learned from a previous job is that I don't do well when I'm bored at work. There is only so much I was able to create for myself to do. I can see now, that when I'm busy, work goes by quickly, I feel accomplished and I am inspired to do more.

The takeaway I hope you find is that no matter what situation you're in, wherever you are feeling stuck, there are other opportunities, your next company may be could be what you need. But don't completely throw away you experience. Learn from it. Look deep and see what you might have missed.

Stay grateful, dear reader. Take care.

I guess this blog is yearly?

I have had so much happen in my career since my last post. I am almost a year at my current company. My goal with working for this company is to be established and still working at the same company at year five. This past year has gone by so fast, I am looking forward to the years to come. There have been some growing pains, a lot of self discovery, and adjusting of expectations. I am so happy with how far I’ve come. If you would have told me in 2012, right after receiving my Masters in Psychology, that in 6 years I would be a full-time employee at a tech company doing software QA and programming automated tests, I might have laughed in your face. But here I am!
I am hoping to write some more about the technology we use and concepts I’ve learned. Until then, people in the Midwest, let the snow commence! Take care, reader.

New Beginnings

Hello, dear reader. I know it has been a while. I sit here, watching the snow fall on Christmas Eve and am reflecting on this past year. I have grown and learned so much about quality assurance and software testing. I have met many people who have been open and willing to teach me about not only QA but career development. I will never be able to show my appreciation for those who have helped me through my internship. As my internship is reaching its one year mark, I have chosen to take the next step and have accepted a full time QA Analyst position at a different company. I will miss everyone I have worked with this past year.

As this new adventure approaches, I have been experiencing only what I have heard about from others, Impostor Syndrome. My background in psychology hasn't prepared me for these feelings of not being prepared or good enough to perform for this new position. I wonder if maybe the hiring manager has made a mistake and they will realize it soon. If I allow myself to fall deeper into these thought swirls, I become dizzy. My hands are clammy. I can't see straight. But I know that I am a hard worker and that even if I'm not completely ready, I have the drive to take everything one step at a time. I am still a QA Newbie but I am miles ahead of when I first started a year ago.

I hope that you, reader, never feel the pang of anxiety and question your own worth but if you do, I want you to know that you aren't alone. We all experience it in a different way but we all have our doubts. It is okay and if it isn't now, it will be soon. Take care of yourselves.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

End of an Era

I’m not quite sure if I have ever mentioned my volunteering but every Saturday I volunteer at a great place for people dealing with cancer. I have been volunteering here for over 4 years. I can’t talk highly enough about this place. It’s with a heavy heart that I am ending my time here. It has been a very difficult decision but I unfortunately can not give as much as they deserve from me. It’s been a hard couple months that I’ve been thinking about this and I know I’m going to miss this place dearly.

If anyone who reads this is in the Cleveland, OH (USA) area and is either dealing with cancer themselves or has a friend or relatively with cancer, take a look at this place. The website is Www.touchedbycancer.org.

Take care everyone and Happy Halloween!